The Good, The Bad, and The Scary

(The picture is of her face with her right hand up and her umblical cord going by the left of her face. She's yawning and is head down right now.)

Our appointment on Monday brought some good news but opened a whole new can of worms. Due to so many prayers, bedrest, and Procardia my cervix actually is slightly longer then the last appointment. I meet the other perinatalagist in the office and felt like all my concerns and frustrations were acknowledged. The plan is to see him again next week and if things still look good, then we'll go to every 2 weeks. He is concerned about my past (having preterm labor and painless labors) and wished that he'd seen me alot sooner. I guess a cerclage would be the last thing he'd want to do. There are supposedly alot of risks doing one this late in the game. Although the Procardia is helping with keeping the contractions at bay, he believes the bedrest is making all the difference. I definitely agree with that. Just being up to take a shower can throw me into 30-60 minutes of cramping mixed with a few contractions. I do get up throughout the day to get meals and lay on the couch for a change of scenery. But that's it.
The doctor talked about the reality of the situation and preparing ourselves for the worst. Cody wasn't able to go to the appointment so I had some homework that needed to be done. We needed to talk about the "what-ifs" and what types of intervention we want done and at what gestational age. The possibility of me carrying this baby to term is there but unlikely. As the doctor put it "I'd be ecstatic if we could get this baby to 34-36 weeks". Talk about a wake up call. It's also likely that I could be in the hospital for weeks to try to get her to that age. So we need to have a hospital bag semi packed and figure out what we will do with the boys during that time. I went from happy to very scared by the reality of it all.
So Cody and I have had the conversation and it was extremely tough. I know medically and intellectualy that if this baby were born between 24-32 weeks, the outcomes are not favorable. But emotionally, we are so torn. This is the little girl that we have talked about and dreamed about for years. Being a NICU nurse I always thought I knew what I would do if it were me. But you can never make that assumption until you are in that situation. It would be alot easier if I didn't have any experience with this as a medical professional. I could just go in blindly and say that we want everything done and will accept whatever comes our way. But the truth is, I know too much. And I wouldn't want any child of mine to suffer because of my selfishness. Just soooo much to think about.
Cody wishes I had a more positive attitude. A positive attitude goes a long way. I understand where he's coming from but like I said; I know too much to live in denial. We've decided that we need to meet with the perinatalagist and go over all the numbers and statistics. And possibly take a tour of the NICU. We aren't commiting to any definite decision right now. And we probably won't until we absolutely have to. We are keeping the dialogue open and that's were we are today.
The Good- My cervix is staying closed and not thinning
The Bad- The possibility of carrying to term is unlikely
The Scary- Our daughters life is in our hands. What decision is a parent to make?