2009 in a nutshell

Another new year is approaching and of course, it brings up the thoughts of what this last year encompassed. Many, many blessings and some tragedies.

Our year started off like any other. Resolutions that weren't kept and recovering from the holidays. January brought some mixed blessings. My sister was diagnosed with a rare strep A infection that could have killed her had it not been caught for another 24 hours. But we also found out that she was pregnant with her fourth child (definitely not planned but wanted just the same). Elizabeth was welcomed to the world September 18th and both mom and her are the picture of health.

Spring time brought alot of busyness. We were introduced to the wonderful world of childhood sports. Jacob joined a TBall team and loved every minute of it. I once heard a parent describe it as trying to heard a bunch of cats. And that description fits it perfectly. We enjoyed watching every game. He is now wanting to join PEEWEE football but I have my reservations. Maybe we'll let that pass for a year or so.

In June we got to attend Jacob's preschool graduation. Let's just say I didn't make it through without a tear or two (ok, probably more like a tiny stream). Hate to see what I'll be like at his other graduations. Cody just smiles at me and tells me how much he loves me when I get like that. :)

The summer went by like a blur. Trips to Lake Tahoe, a family vacation to our cabin in Pinecrest, lots of BBQ's and playing outside until 8-9 o'clock at night. And the exciting news that after a year of trying, we would be welcoming our third addition to the family. Along with 2 of my other sisters. All due with in days of each other. And we didn't plan it that way; it just happened.

Then end of July, my big boy Jacob started Kindergarten and my little baby Caleb, now 4 years old, started preschool. During the fall, lots of time spent taxing kids to and from school. And occasional days helping in the classrooms. The holiday countdown began with Halloween. Both the boys were Darth Vader (sp?) simply because they wanted to carry a light saber around. Gotta love boys.

Thanksgiving was celebrated with the majority of my siblings in town (a grand total of 25 of us between in-laws and kids too). Chaos at it's best but nice to see everyone.

Then this December. Marked by numerous doctor's appts and stress, stress, stress. (refer to previous posts). But all is well now. At least for today. We are counting our blessings now more then ever. And among all the stress and events that have been going on, I'm ending this year with a calm peace.

I've learned that no matter how stressed you get about something, it doesn't make the situation any better. Mine and Cody's motto now is "as long as we have each other and the kids, then we have everything we need". All of the other stuff in our life is just that, stuff. And lastly God is in control. Such a hard lesson for me to learn. Because I am somewhat of a control freak. But that's just part of satan's deception. Making me think that I'm in control. I have no control and God has it all. The more I grasp that reality, the more I have this wave of peace come over me. I'm 29 and just getting that. Wow!

I received a call on Monday from one of my friends from work. The year wouldn't end without one more blow. A special little boy whom we all came to love and advocate for went home to be with the Lord. His body was tired of fighting and he went out quite and peaceful. Everyone who took care of this boy couldn't help but love him. He had a beautiful grin. I got to see him last week when I went by the NICU. My last memory is of this chubby bunny swinging in his swing and giving me his famous little grin. When I learned the circumstances of his passing, all I can say is God's hand was in it the whole time. A sister in Christ was the last one to hold him; singing and praying him home to his heavenly father. My new year will begin my going to his funeral. Although there will be tears and alot of emotion, I know he has a perfect body now and he is no longer suffering.

To sum up this year;
"To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven:
A time to be born and a time to die
A time to plant, and a time to harvest
A time to kill, and a time to heal
A time to break down, and a time to build up
A time to weep, and a time to laugh
A time to mourn, and a time to dance
A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones
A time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing
A time to gain, and a time to lose,
A time to keep, and a time to throw away
a time to tear , and a time to sew
A time to keep silence, and a time to speak
A time to love, and a time to hate
A time of war, and a time of peace."
Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

Merry Christmas to me!

I got an early Christmas present. Today was another great day at the doctor's! Cervix looks the same. No changes and we are still at 31 mm. And no funneling. But doctor said that that can change on a day to day basis. Only complaint is contractions are starting to pick-up right before I take my medicine. Probably due to the increasing weight of my uterus and baby. So we will look at possibly uping my dose. Downside is that the true use for Procardia is to lower blood pressure and help heart function. So when I take it, I feel dizzy, light headed, and flushed. If I can't handle uping my dose, we'll have to look at going up the chain of meds and starting terb. Faith is growing and thriving. She weighs 829 grams ( 1 lb 12 oz). When the tech told me her wegiht, I was so happy and surprised. I was expecting for her to only be 600-700 grams. And we got some really cute pictures. Such a difference 4 weeks makes for a fetus. She is looking healthier and chubbier with every scan.

After our appointment we shot over to my home away from home; St Mary's NICU. I had some yummy treats in tow and I wanted to show Cody a baby that weighed as much as ours. It was sooooooo nice to see everyone and be back there. I really do miss being a nurse but I know that it will be there waiting for me after this little one is born. We got to see a 800 gram baby. He was so little and hairy. But doing well. I'm sure that was somewhat reassuring to Cody to see such a little creature thriving outside the womb. I also chatted it up with some of my friends. I hope that if things continue to go well, I can eventually do some sort of lunch or get together just to visit with everyone I miss so much.

Christmas is nearing and can I just tell you that we have been blessed beyond words! We received the most tremendous care package from work. And using the word generous to describe the contents is putting it mild. Food, paper goods, money, gift cards and more! I don't know how I will ever be able to repay them. I just hope that they know how much we appreciate it. It makes concentrating on keeping this little girl in alot easier. Honeslty, how can you "take it easy" when you worry about bills, food, and Christmas on top of everything else? But with the kindness of my co-workers, I can. And work isn't the only one who gave so generously. We've gotten gifts from family, extended family, friends, and even strangers. Let's just say I have a long list of thank you notes that need to get written and sent.

Lastly, have a blessed Christmas this year. Appreciate the simple things this year; being with your family and surrounded by people who love you.

Artifact vs. Miracle

We had our regular OB check-up today along with another ultrasound to check everything. Once again, my cervix is even thicker now. It's at about 30mm with pressure and no funneling! My stomach muscles are starting to get sore as I get bigger. And it's much more noticeable when I'm up on my feet. OH the joys of being on bed rest and your muscles wasting away. When we saw my OB we asked my him if he could explain why my cervix is getting better and better with each scan. Mind you I've had 7 ultrasounds now. Typically the cervix doesn't thicken once it's thinned out. So the only explanation he could give was that there were errors in the measurements and it could have been due to "artifact". Cody and I choose to believe that through the power of prayer God is performing a miracle on my body in response to everyone interceding on my behalf. I know the contractions I was having were real. I don't think a specialist would keep me in the hospital for 2 days due to "artifact". We know what we saw and I know what I felt.

A question we're getting alot right now is if we've picked out a name. We narrowed it down to a small handful of names but I was having a hard time deciding. A name that I liked one day didn't sound appealing the next. I was really driving Cody nuts. But in light of everything going on, he suggested a name that fits her perfectly. One of our many lessons we've learned in this whole process is that God is in control. We just have to trust in Him and have FAITH. So we are naming her FAITH ANNE. We know that He has her in the palm of His hands and he will take care of her. No matter what.

...You Shall Receive

By the end of this email, you will understand the meaning of my title.

Our appointment this last Tuesday couldn't have gone any better. Cody was able to come with me this time which always makes it easier to handle. You go prepared to hear anything but hoping that things are getting better. And things are indeed getting better! My cervix actually thickened a lot! Which, we were told when we were in the hospital before Thanksgiving, doesn't happen. So the first measurement without pressure was in the mid 30's mm. Then with pressure (to mimic a contraction) it went down to 25mm and funnels alittle. And you could see that it is curving instead of staying straight. During our 1st appointment with the specialist, my cervix was straight as an arrow. It naturally should be curved. The theory is that a straight cervix can hold less pressure and has the potential to open up easier. I wish all this means that I can resume some normal activities but I'm still to be on bedrest and conitnue my meds. I see my regular OB on Monday and will get another ultrasound to check on everything. And then see the specialist the following week. I am so happy and am actually feeling hopeful that I can carry this baby close to term. Plus, this Saturday I am 24 weeks. As a NICU nurse, my milestones are way different then someone who's not. I don't count trimesters or months. To tell you the truth, I don't even know when the months switch over. All I count are weeks. And at 24, the baby is considered viable. Then I will be waiting for 27 weeks. Cause the chance of survival increases and so on and so on. I know that the only reason this is happening is because I have so many people praying for me. Family, friends, and whole churches of people I don't know. I am so grateful and humbled that God is answering our prayers.

These last few weeks were very emotional and stressful. I shut down and didn't want to talk to anyone. Not only because of the pregnancy but we are also having to deal with the financial aspect of me not working. I am the main bread winner in the house (even though Cody works alot harder then me). I do have disability but that won't kick in till January. I didn't have much vacation and sick time saved so we were looking at a bleak Christmas. We also tried to cut back on everything from the phone to cable. We are even looking at giving up one of the cars. But without even asking, people have opened their hearts and their wallets. People at my work are donating some of their vacation time to me and calling and offering to bring meals. One of my family members usually adopts a family for Christmas. Well this year, they adopted us and we have been receiving goodies on our door step for the last 3 days. And "Santa" had ALOT of help from mine and Cody's parents and my sister this year. The boys will now have presents to open under the tree on Christmas morning. I don't think there's anything that breaks your heart more as a parent then not knowing if you will be able to afford gifts for your kids during Christmas. Not even cheapy Walmart gifts. We are the kind of people that usually help others. Offering the meals and donating things during the holiday season. So when the tables are turned, it is very hard at first to accept the help. You feel guilty and unworthy. But then you realize that God is answering your cry for help. When you ask him to pull you out of a dark hole, he may not send help in the form of a huge check. He may disguise the help as family and friends offering themselves and what they have to you. You just have to be humble enough to accept it and say thank you. So, you see, if you ask, you shall receive. In more ways then you could have ever imagined!

The Good, The Bad, and The Scary

(The picture is of her face with her right hand up and her umblical cord going by the left of her face. She's yawning and is head down right now.)

Our appointment on Monday brought some good news but opened a whole new can of worms. Due to so many prayers, bedrest, and Procardia my cervix actually is slightly longer then the last appointment. I meet the other perinatalagist in the office and felt like all my concerns and frustrations were acknowledged. The plan is to see him again next week and if things still look good, then we'll go to every 2 weeks. He is concerned about my past (having preterm labor and painless labors) and wished that he'd seen me alot sooner. I guess a cerclage would be the last thing he'd want to do. There are supposedly alot of risks doing one this late in the game. Although the Procardia is helping with keeping the contractions at bay, he believes the bedrest is making all the difference. I definitely agree with that. Just being up to take a shower can throw me into 30-60 minutes of cramping mixed with a few contractions. I do get up throughout the day to get meals and lay on the couch for a change of scenery. But that's it.
The doctor talked about the reality of the situation and preparing ourselves for the worst. Cody wasn't able to go to the appointment so I had some homework that needed to be done. We needed to talk about the "what-ifs" and what types of intervention we want done and at what gestational age. The possibility of me carrying this baby to term is there but unlikely. As the doctor put it "I'd be ecstatic if we could get this baby to 34-36 weeks". Talk about a wake up call. It's also likely that I could be in the hospital for weeks to try to get her to that age. So we need to have a hospital bag semi packed and figure out what we will do with the boys during that time. I went from happy to very scared by the reality of it all.
So Cody and I have had the conversation and it was extremely tough. I know medically and intellectualy that if this baby were born between 24-32 weeks, the outcomes are not favorable. But emotionally, we are so torn. This is the little girl that we have talked about and dreamed about for years. Being a NICU nurse I always thought I knew what I would do if it were me. But you can never make that assumption until you are in that situation. It would be alot easier if I didn't have any experience with this as a medical professional. I could just go in blindly and say that we want everything done and will accept whatever comes our way. But the truth is, I know too much. And I wouldn't want any child of mine to suffer because of my selfishness. Just soooo much to think about.
Cody wishes I had a more positive attitude. A positive attitude goes a long way. I understand where he's coming from but like I said; I know too much to live in denial. We've decided that we need to meet with the perinatalagist and go over all the numbers and statistics. And possibly take a tour of the NICU. We aren't commiting to any definite decision right now. And we probably won't until we absolutely have to. We are keeping the dialogue open and that's were we are today.
The Good- My cervix is staying closed and not thinning
The Bad- The possibility of carrying to term is unlikely
The Scary- Our daughters life is in our hands. What decision is a parent to make?