Artifact vs. Miracle

We had our regular OB check-up today along with another ultrasound to check everything. Once again, my cervix is even thicker now. It's at about 30mm with pressure and no funneling! My stomach muscles are starting to get sore as I get bigger. And it's much more noticeable when I'm up on my feet. OH the joys of being on bed rest and your muscles wasting away. When we saw my OB we asked my him if he could explain why my cervix is getting better and better with each scan. Mind you I've had 7 ultrasounds now. Typically the cervix doesn't thicken once it's thinned out. So the only explanation he could give was that there were errors in the measurements and it could have been due to "artifact". Cody and I choose to believe that through the power of prayer God is performing a miracle on my body in response to everyone interceding on my behalf. I know the contractions I was having were real. I don't think a specialist would keep me in the hospital for 2 days due to "artifact". We know what we saw and I know what I felt.

A question we're getting alot right now is if we've picked out a name. We narrowed it down to a small handful of names but I was having a hard time deciding. A name that I liked one day didn't sound appealing the next. I was really driving Cody nuts. But in light of everything going on, he suggested a name that fits her perfectly. One of our many lessons we've learned in this whole process is that God is in control. We just have to trust in Him and have FAITH. So we are naming her FAITH ANNE. We know that He has her in the palm of His hands and he will take care of her. No matter what.

...You Shall Receive

By the end of this email, you will understand the meaning of my title.

Our appointment this last Tuesday couldn't have gone any better. Cody was able to come with me this time which always makes it easier to handle. You go prepared to hear anything but hoping that things are getting better. And things are indeed getting better! My cervix actually thickened a lot! Which, we were told when we were in the hospital before Thanksgiving, doesn't happen. So the first measurement without pressure was in the mid 30's mm. Then with pressure (to mimic a contraction) it went down to 25mm and funnels alittle. And you could see that it is curving instead of staying straight. During our 1st appointment with the specialist, my cervix was straight as an arrow. It naturally should be curved. The theory is that a straight cervix can hold less pressure and has the potential to open up easier. I wish all this means that I can resume some normal activities but I'm still to be on bedrest and conitnue my meds. I see my regular OB on Monday and will get another ultrasound to check on everything. And then see the specialist the following week. I am so happy and am actually feeling hopeful that I can carry this baby close to term. Plus, this Saturday I am 24 weeks. As a NICU nurse, my milestones are way different then someone who's not. I don't count trimesters or months. To tell you the truth, I don't even know when the months switch over. All I count are weeks. And at 24, the baby is considered viable. Then I will be waiting for 27 weeks. Cause the chance of survival increases and so on and so on. I know that the only reason this is happening is because I have so many people praying for me. Family, friends, and whole churches of people I don't know. I am so grateful and humbled that God is answering our prayers.

These last few weeks were very emotional and stressful. I shut down and didn't want to talk to anyone. Not only because of the pregnancy but we are also having to deal with the financial aspect of me not working. I am the main bread winner in the house (even though Cody works alot harder then me). I do have disability but that won't kick in till January. I didn't have much vacation and sick time saved so we were looking at a bleak Christmas. We also tried to cut back on everything from the phone to cable. We are even looking at giving up one of the cars. But without even asking, people have opened their hearts and their wallets. People at my work are donating some of their vacation time to me and calling and offering to bring meals. One of my family members usually adopts a family for Christmas. Well this year, they adopted us and we have been receiving goodies on our door step for the last 3 days. And "Santa" had ALOT of help from mine and Cody's parents and my sister this year. The boys will now have presents to open under the tree on Christmas morning. I don't think there's anything that breaks your heart more as a parent then not knowing if you will be able to afford gifts for your kids during Christmas. Not even cheapy Walmart gifts. We are the kind of people that usually help others. Offering the meals and donating things during the holiday season. So when the tables are turned, it is very hard at first to accept the help. You feel guilty and unworthy. But then you realize that God is answering your cry for help. When you ask him to pull you out of a dark hole, he may not send help in the form of a huge check. He may disguise the help as family and friends offering themselves and what they have to you. You just have to be humble enough to accept it and say thank you. So, you see, if you ask, you shall receive. In more ways then you could have ever imagined!

The Good, The Bad, and The Scary

(The picture is of her face with her right hand up and her umblical cord going by the left of her face. She's yawning and is head down right now.)

Our appointment on Monday brought some good news but opened a whole new can of worms. Due to so many prayers, bedrest, and Procardia my cervix actually is slightly longer then the last appointment. I meet the other perinatalagist in the office and felt like all my concerns and frustrations were acknowledged. The plan is to see him again next week and if things still look good, then we'll go to every 2 weeks. He is concerned about my past (having preterm labor and painless labors) and wished that he'd seen me alot sooner. I guess a cerclage would be the last thing he'd want to do. There are supposedly alot of risks doing one this late in the game. Although the Procardia is helping with keeping the contractions at bay, he believes the bedrest is making all the difference. I definitely agree with that. Just being up to take a shower can throw me into 30-60 minutes of cramping mixed with a few contractions. I do get up throughout the day to get meals and lay on the couch for a change of scenery. But that's it.
The doctor talked about the reality of the situation and preparing ourselves for the worst. Cody wasn't able to go to the appointment so I had some homework that needed to be done. We needed to talk about the "what-ifs" and what types of intervention we want done and at what gestational age. The possibility of me carrying this baby to term is there but unlikely. As the doctor put it "I'd be ecstatic if we could get this baby to 34-36 weeks". Talk about a wake up call. It's also likely that I could be in the hospital for weeks to try to get her to that age. So we need to have a hospital bag semi packed and figure out what we will do with the boys during that time. I went from happy to very scared by the reality of it all.
So Cody and I have had the conversation and it was extremely tough. I know medically and intellectualy that if this baby were born between 24-32 weeks, the outcomes are not favorable. But emotionally, we are so torn. This is the little girl that we have talked about and dreamed about for years. Being a NICU nurse I always thought I knew what I would do if it were me. But you can never make that assumption until you are in that situation. It would be alot easier if I didn't have any experience with this as a medical professional. I could just go in blindly and say that we want everything done and will accept whatever comes our way. But the truth is, I know too much. And I wouldn't want any child of mine to suffer because of my selfishness. Just soooo much to think about.
Cody wishes I had a more positive attitude. A positive attitude goes a long way. I understand where he's coming from but like I said; I know too much to live in denial. We've decided that we need to meet with the perinatalagist and go over all the numbers and statistics. And possibly take a tour of the NICU. We aren't commiting to any definite decision right now. And we probably won't until we absolutely have to. We are keeping the dialogue open and that's were we are today.
The Good- My cervix is staying closed and not thinning
The Bad- The possibility of carrying to term is unlikely
The Scary- Our daughters life is in our hands. What decision is a parent to make?

Home sweet home!

Life takes alot of twists and turns that you can't always control. One day you are a busy mom taking the everyday tasks for granted. And the next day you are banned from doing them. One day you are a nurse in the NICU and the next you face the possibility of having your own baby in the NICU. If, and only if, you can hold her in that long. That's why I've started this blog.
My journey didn't start a week and a half ago, when all the contractions and "issues" started. It started over a year ago when we decided to make the last and final addition to our family. With much coaxing, Cody decided that he would give into his wife's maternal craving. Little did we know it would be the longest year of our lives. After conceiving immediately with the boys we figured it wouldn't take more then a few months. Boy, were we wrong. Almost a year went by before we finally saw that extra line on the pregnancy stick. Thank God! After that, the weeks went by like a blur. Fast and crazy. Until 20 weeks 1 day. I'd been having Braxton Hicks contractions for a few days. I chalked it up to working a 3 day stretch, night shift, and 12 hours on my feet. But by my 3rd night, things just didn't feel right. Lot's of cramping and pressure that should be there yet. Since I happen to work in the NICU, which is only a few feet away from L&D, I walked over to just check things out. It was more like escorted by one of my friends at work, since I was an emotional mess at that point. I was told that my cervix possibly could be shortening and that I need to have an ultrasound to make sure everything is ok. And no matter what, go home, rest, and follow up with our OB. That was the start of it all. We got to find out that night that we were indeed having our little princess. Unfortunately that wasn't the way I wanted to find out. My excitement was overshadowed by doubt and the uncertainty of her fate.
After a few days of resting we got to have our official ultrasound at our OB's office. She was perfect. And I was not. My cervix was showing signs of funneling. However my OB assured me that he's sure I'll be ok and we'll follow up in 4 weeks. And I may resume my normal activities. The next night I worked again. I received a fairly busy assignment of babies and by the first hour, the familiar feeling of cramping and tightening began. I couldn't help but think of my cervix thinning with every twinge. It was an emotional night and after talking with my supervisor, some co-workers and a mom who had twins in the NICU who went through something similar, I decided that I needed to go home and listen to that little voice in my head telling me this doesn't feel right. The next morning, I called my OB and asked for a referral to a perinatalagist, a specialist with high-risk pregnancies. We were able to get in within a few days. The specialist confirmed that by cervix was even shorten then the previous week by half. And we also learned that I was contracting regularly. So off to the hospital I went with the ever supportive husband by my side.
I was admited for a total of 2 days. The contractions were very regular at first but with Procardia every 6 hours and bedrest they were under control. The medicine made me feel horrible. Massive headache, flushed, pounding heartbeat, and dizzy. But I would endure anything just to keep the baby in and safe.
Now I am at home and on bedrest. It is the hardest thing I've had to do. Not being able to get your boys cereal or get up to see their lego statue they built and are so proud of is heart breaking. But I have to see it from the perspective that I'm saving my baby. We have another appointment with the specialist in 4 days to check the progress of everything. The possibility of a cerlage (sewing the cervix shut) or having to go back in the hospital is very real . It's hard not to be pessimistic when all we've heard is bad news up to this point. But we always hope and pray for the best.
I will use this blog to let everyone now how things are going. We've have been told by so many of you that we are in your prayers and thoughts. And that you have your friends, families, and churches praying for us. The power of prayer is so amazing and we appreciate it more then any of you will ever know.